Join the Club

For exclusive offers, promotions, and our weekly newsletter (which includes a cocktail column). Enjoy.

No Thanks
So there’s a very classic cocktail from, I think, 1899 or so that I invented and I am the only one who knows how to make it. Believe me, I make it so well. I make it so — I will tell you this — other people will make false claims and try to tell you that the Jack Rose was around before my column — which totally changed the world, by the way, it really did — but they are just hospitality-industry losers who are threatened by my amazing ratings. They really are unprecedented, for a cocktail writer like me to have such good ratings. I mean, I’m a good guy and all. I really have the best temperament and this is related to my ability to make drinks, which is why my ratings are so good.
The Jack Rose is a fantastic drink. My Jack Rose is so good that they opened a bar called Jack Rose in Adams Morgan. They don’t even pay me for it — they are very dishonest people. Greedy, dishonest people. They don’t even know how to make a Jack Rose, really, but I will tell you because I want you to be able to have the best drinks like me. Cocktails are so bad these days.
Jack Rose
2 oz Applejack or Laird’s Straight Apple Brandy
1/2 oz Grenadine
Juice of 1/2 Lime
Shake it, strain it, drink it from a stemmed glass.
Some people like Smug Jeffrey Morgenthaler say you should make your own grenadine instead of buying it because it is “easy to make” and it “doesn’t taste like Dimetapp before they add the actual medicine to it.” Just a total snowflake — not my words, I’m not calling him that, that’s just what I hear about him. I can tell you he is so disconnected from reality that he thinks we can all just waste our day juicing pomegranates instead of just buying a small bottle of Pom, which works just as well, even if you don’t have orange flower water or pomegranate molasses on hand. I do like orange flower water though. I use it in martinis sometimes and in Ramos Fizzes. I was talking to Jack Fee, who owned Fee Brothers, a few years ago about orange flower water and he said I was brilliant for using it in my drinks. He’s a good businessman, Jack Fee—very smart guy who understood how to get a message out, unlike you people. You know that little poem they used to say, what was it? “The House of Fee, on the Genessee, since Eighteen Hundred and Sixty-Three.” It’s good marketing. Good marketing. But you’ll never see that slogan printed in The New York Times or the mainstream media, they are all shills for Angostura, who make their products in Trinidad. It’s sad, it’s very sad.
Drink Well.

Leave a comment

This blog is moderated.